A Dygertation Upon Roast George

Read rather unintelligibly by the author at the Farewell Dessert for Pastor Steve Dygert of the Almond Union Church, on Sat., April 4. Reprised here by request. (Such a request seems to defy good sense.) It should also be noted that Pastor Dygert made it clear that though he is saying Farewell to Almond, he has no intention of saying Farewell to Dessert. Except on its way down his gullet.

So many have come from near and far—
       You wretched, you poor
       From your teeming shore…
And those of you who’ve raised the bar…
              We thank you ALL for showing.
Y’know, I’m shocked to see how many there are
              Who’d party cuz the Dygerts are going!

When they first moved to Almond, my mom said to me,
       “Hey, I want you to meet
       A family that’s neat—“
But I said, “I already know Donna and Lee.”
              She ignored that remark and went on:
“Our new pastor…I think their name starts with a ‘D’…”
              (Hey, it’s not in her French lexicon.)

Well, they moved in and soon they took over the town
       And became very dear
       To all of us here
In the land of three green months and nine months of brown;
              Their business they daily did go-about,
With nary a pout or a tantrum or frown—
              ’Cept maybe for times I don’t know-about.

Their kids also wormed their way into our heart:
       Sarah and Stew—
       There’s another one, too…
I’d think of Joy’s name, but I’m not all that smart.
              And there’s that other odd “daughter” they claim,
Who’ll be out in the cold when they finally depart—
              A. Mouse, Jr., I think is her name.

But they’ve run their course, they’ve shot their wad,
       They’re “here today,
       And gone by May”
To follow now the call of God
              To the far-off land of “near Sayre”;
We’ll miss ’em here ’round Almond’s sod.
              I tell ya—life ain’t near fayre.

                               —Anon-George Mouse