USS `Я΄ US

You may not have thought of us much anymore
Cuz you may not remember that whole “Cold War”…
Or whom you were stockpiling all those nukes for:
                     The USS `Я΄ us.

We had lots of bear (that is, shelves in our store);
We've got leftover hammers and sickles galore.
And you think you got snow there? Well, HA! We’ve got more!
                     The USS `Я΄ us.

We went out of business in, ohh…'89,
But we've reopened now, and we’re doin' just fine –
Why, I see some old customers standin’ in line…
                     The USS `Я΄ us.

I’m the boss – Vlad’s the name. Ever hear tell of me?
Maybe this jogs your memory, hm? K…G…B…
And I’m Putin you all to shame, strategically:
                    The USS `Я΄ us.

We held the Olympics here – smarter than smart,
With a dazzling show fit to capture the heart –
But you better believe that was only the start:
                    The USS `Я΄ us.

You complain that you think ’twas a crime of mea
To have gone out and annexed that peninsulea;
You wonder, “Who’s next?” We-e-ell, you just wait and see-a!
                    The USS `Я΄ us.

The sanctions you all have so carefully planned?
Those tactics are all so lame-brained, and so bland.
Well, here’s one of mine: all your “big wigs” are banned!
                     The USS `Я΄ us.

No, your sanctions are only a slap on the wrist –
Those petty finances won’t even be missed;
I’m sure there are plenty more arms we can twist:
                     The USS `Я΄ us.

Hey, look – there’s Ukraine! We could take them today,
And only a stonia’s throwiaway
Is Estonia’s throne-y – awaiting this May…?
<Evil (Empire) laugh> “MUWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!”
                     The USS `Я΄ US!

                                                   —Anon Я. Mouse