Dental Hygenius or Genial Hydentist? HA! Miss DDPMS Is Neither

Last week I was obliged to visit
A firm that’s on our side—or is it?
You’re barely in from off the street,
And the friendly front-desk ladies bleat,
“Just get in there and take a seat.”
The way they say that sounds so sweet...
It’s such a warm, inviting place
Where someone’s always in your face,
Assaying your decaying teeth
(And gums around and bone beneath),
Exclaiming to you, “That tooth there
Deserves a little better care!
I think you just don’t floss enough...”
(This hygienist sure is cross enough.)
“...Or maybe you’re not brushing right.”
(What’s this? She tryin’ to pick a fight?!)
“Well, let me take an X-ray of you—
Ignore that warning light above you;
It only means it might go ‘BOOM’.
Um...I’ll be in the other room.”
I tried to bolt—get out of town—
But found that she has strapped me down;
Resistance, it was plain to see,
Was absolute futility.
She took that X-ray picture slowly;
I watched my mouth grow very glowly.
She took one more, and then another—
Of that tooth and its upper brother.
“Look at that!” she squealed with glee,
“That one looks suspiciously!”
Suspiciously...like what, I wondered?
“Suspiciously like CASH!” she thundered.
“I thought I came here for a cleaning...”
“You DID!” (I’d missed the double meaning.)
“Just open wide,” she firmly said,
With a look that said, “You’re almost dead.”
“A bit hard NOT to open wide
When both your hands are crammed inside.”
I learned at least one thing that day:
That THAT was not the thing to say.
(I wondered how she understood—
I thought I’d muffl’d it pretty good—
But she’s a p’fessional...she could.)
“You better take that back!” she screamed.
(What SHE should do, to me it seemed.)
Her knuckle joints came all unsprung
While I tried hard to bite my tongue.
“Ow! That hurts! You wretched brute!
You open NOW, before I shoot!”
And seeing her with Novocain,
I tried with all my might and main
To form my words both clear and plain:
“How can I, you—you—cruel beath,
When you juth make me grit my teeth?!”
The dentist came in, short and fat,
And said, “OK. Enough of that.
The two of you—you just play nice;
Such vicious words aren’t worth the price.”
He knew if he did not step in
A full-scale war would soon begin
And he’d get no cash to make the payments
On all his cars and fancy raiments.
“We’re friends again?” she smiled, “All right—
Then look into this...BLINDING LIGHT!!”
I closed my eyes. I just gave in,
And let Miss DDPMS begin....

                                       —Anon In Mouth